Masks
by Jaws That Bite
Summary: P3. Short piece I wrote. Vague spoilers for SeptemberOctober. Shinji contemplates the new leader.


Masks

By: Blade-kun

Disclaimer: Don't own P3.

* * *

I wasn't surprised when Aki showed up outside the ramen shop. He never failed to come bother me about rejoining the team at every available opportunity. I was however surprised when I noticed that this time he wasn't alone.

I had seen this guy before, in the back area that one time. And I was aware of who he was. Aki had mentioned him once or twice, but never said much.

He just stood there quietly, not interjecting any points or really even looking involved. Which made me wonder, why was he here? Meetings like this were always a private matter between the two of us. Aki couldn't have pulled him along to help convince me, because not only was he not saying anything, but I barely knew him. So, what then?

When I saw him later at the dorm, he passed by us in the hall, on the way to his room. Mitsuru and Aki acknowledged him, and he nodded to them, before he focused briefly on me. I added my own in, and he just watched me. It was almost a little unnerving really, the way his eyes stared at me. A depthless, endless blue. Not to sound poetic or anything, because I don't care about that crap, but I think I understand what some mean when they liken such eyes to an ocean or lake.

But in the end he didn't say anything, just nodded to me as well before heading into his room.

I saw him the next day as well. He approached the others in the lounge and quietly inquired to them about random subjects. Then he was out the door, and didn't return until later that day. He looked pretty tired when he got back, enough that the one girl, Fuuka I think, spoke up. He soothed her concerns. I had to admit, he was pretty smooth. He spoke to Aegis, and then disappeared up the stairs.

I had actually been expecting him to head to Tartarus. As the leader, he seemed pretty diligent in going there often, and with the full moon so close, only two days away, I thought he'd go for it. But he did seem pretty tired, so I didn't think much of it.

Until the next day, when again he declined going, despite the others' suggestions that it would be a good idea. And it seemed without their leader's approval, no one was willing to go. This made me think. He's really the leader? He looked responsible enough, but so close to an important mission, what was he thinking? He should be using this time to prepare, shouldn't he? So why not go?

This made my opinion of him lower a bit. What kind of a leader just ignores this stuff? Maybe he wasn't as fit as everyone thought. I didn't really have any room to judge though. I'd only just rejoined after an extended absence, so I guess I don't really have the right to question him.

As it went, he avoided the Tartarus completely. Despite that, they completed the mission with little difficulty. I'd heard he could use multiple personas, but had never actually witnessed his talent. And after again quietly absorbing the conversations about the enemy, he had acted accordingly. The robot girl seemed eager to accompany him, but he turned her down in favor of Aki. I wondered why at first, until I learned after the fight that the enemy had been proficient in electric skills. But how did he know? When the others left, I stopped him and asked.

He shrugged. "She said it was using the cables and affecting the power. I just figured it might be the case."

I was starting to understand why he was the leader now.

I didn't learn much about him though. He didn't talk much, and he usually had his ears in headphones. He spoke in a somewhat quiet tone of voice, and seemed to listen intently before handing out answers or advice. I soon found that many people turned to him for various things, something that would have bugged the hell out of me, but he never seemed to care. He just bore with whatever anyone asked of him.

It grated on me. I didn't understand it. I didn't feel comfortable talking to those others, even if I was working with them, so I turned to Aki for my answers.

"It's hard to explain him, really," he'd said, stirring his food. "I didn't talk to him too much myself that first month he was here. I still don't really. I just don't know what to say to him. Other than the fact he likes music and his parents are dead I don't know much about him."

"They're dead?" I asked.

"Yeah, been dead, for ten years. It might have something to do with the incident, but we don't know." Aki shrugged. "We were surprised when we saw his abilities, and even more so at how he handled it. He's very adept and calm, no matter what happens. I would swear nothing rattles him. He never seems too concerned or too careless. He's sort of distant in a way that makes him hard to relate to, but easy to approach."

"He seems pretty empty to me."

"Does he? I don't know. He has good instincts and makes wise choices, which is why I handed leadership to him. He tries to be fair, but people sometimes get irritated with him for it, even me. He's just so good at dealing with things, sometimes it gets to you. But he never gets upset, and when you're ready to make amends, he accepts it without question. It kind of makes it seem like things are more unfair for him."

I thought this over. "He doesn't talk about himself much though, does he?"

"No. Sometimes he acts strange, like he knows or notices things we don't. But he never says anything. I remember thinking once, 'does he ever have any problems?' Then I thought, maybe that's why he always works on everyone else's, because he doesn't have any, but that seems pretty silly."

As I thought about it later that night, sitting in my room, I suddenly realized why Aki had brought him with him that day. It wasn't to help convince me. It was to help convince himself. He'd been worried about coming to me, so he'd brought that guy along as a sort of support. From the sounds of it, the guy just made people feel better when he was around. He made them feel more secure somehow, which was likely why no one was willing to go to Tartarus without him. It wasn't just because he was their leader, but because they depended on him for help, no matter what the problem.

No wonder people sometimes got irritated with him. He must seem like the perfect companion, someone who always listens, and is always honest and never complains. Someone that doesn't let petty details or trials bother him.

But there's got to be something. No person can be that perfect right? There must be things he thinks and worries about too. The question is, what?

I decided to ask him myself. When I saw him the next day, I cornered him by the stairs.

"You busy?" I asked.

He shook his head. "No. Is something wrong?"

There he went again. Ready to fix any problems. Doesn't he get tired of it?

"I want to talk to you. Let's go grab a bite."

He just nodded and followed me. I led him to the ramen shop, but rather than taking my usual place, I moved to a corner away from other people. He paused, shooting a quizzical look at the counter, and then me, before sitting down.

"What?" I said.

"Nothing," he replied, "You just didn't seem the type to hide in the corner."

I was surprised he called that.

We placed our orders and sat quietly. I waited for him to ask me what I wanted, feeling like I was testing him. But he just patiently waited. Finally I spoke up.

"Why did you decide to do this?"

"Because it's fun," he answered, straight-faced and cocking his head.

…

I knew he was joking. I knew he _had_ to be joking. But he looked serious…

"I'm kidding," he said, apparently sensing my confusion.

"You are one messed-up guy. I asked you a question. I want a real answer."

He shrugged. "Does there need to be a reason?"

"Of course there does," I scowled. Our food came up and he thanked the server. "Why did you accept the position as leader?"

"They asked me to do it. So I did."

"Is that it?"

"I don't mind. Leading, being led, it's all the same to me. I don't fight because I have to or because I want to. I fight simply because I can. I can fight, therefore I will fight. For as long as they need me to. And when it's over, I'll move on."

"So you're saying it doesn't matter to you? Bullshit! You're risking your neck every night you go to that tower. And you don't care?"

"Well, what do you want from me?"

For some reason that made me angry.

"What do I want from you?" I growled, struggling to keep my voice down, "That's all it ever is with you, isn't it? What others want from you! And you just let them take it! What do you want from yourself?"

"I don't need anything from myself. I go to school, I fight shadows, I make friends, I get stronger. I live. I don't need anything else."

Why was I getting upset? Because I was frustrated? I would never bow to others like that. I took care of myself. But that's what he was saying, wasn't it? He's already taken care of, so all that's left is to take care of others.

I stabbed at my ramen a little, trying to calm myself. He seemed to decide to wait it out, and just ate his own.

"What about you?"

"Hm?"

I pointed my chopsticks at him. "I know you must have some problems. Everyone does, no matter how small. And you're human too, so you're no exception."

He cocked his head a little. "What about it?"

"Who do you go to?"

His eyes suddenly took on a far-off look, like he was recalling something.

"No one," he said finally, "they come to me."

Huh? "Huh?"

He shook his head. "The world is full of people. I just play my part. I must…" he paused, "I must…I must abide by my contract."

…What the hell is he talking about?

He suddenly looked at my bowl.

"Your food's getting cold."

Subject change? Little bastard. First he avoids my question, then gives an answer that makes no sense, then switches topic.

"Do you even have emotions?"

I don't know where that came from, or how I even managed to say it. He just blinked at me, then looked at his food.

"…maybe I'm dead inside…"

I'm not sure I heard him right, but before I could question it he looked up and smiled. That shocked me into silence. His smile…it's cold. No, not cold. Empty. Gentle, soft, but there's no feelings in it. Like…like a smile painted on a mask.

Any other conversation was just small talk before we headed back to the dorm. Aki looked up, curious to see us together. We just headed down the hall. He followed me to the stairs, then suddenly grabbed my shoulder, stopping me. He stared at me hard.

"I hope you stay," he said, "Until I can know you."

Then he released me and walked back to the lounge. I didn't understand what he meant really, but I felt a shiver run through me, and rubbed the spot he touched. His hand…it felt…cold…

"…_maybe I'm dead inside_…"

I hurried upstairs to my room. Dead. Dead. Why does it ring in my head? That guy…it's like Death is holding him, cradling him, puppeting his corpse, but his soul's still in there. Dead. I feel cold. Why does he feel like he's going to disappear or something?

I don't understand him at all.

He's just like the Shadows. He too wears a mask. But like his personas, he can change them to suit anyone or anything. Like his true face is hidden, at all times. No one can really see his emotions.

But what I want to know is, what does he have to hide?


End file.
